Air is Poisonous to Humans; It Just Takes a Long Time to Kill Us, Report Says

Thanks to Woken News, we all now know that breathing air is linked to staying alive. But new reports suggest that air might be the human equivalent to Superman’s kryptonite. A report out of the Science Haven Institute of Technology claims that air is actually poisonous to humans. It just takes 80-100 years to finally kill us.

Read More: Millennials are volunteering to be euthanized for scientific research

“We examined 100 people in our study that died between the ages of 80 and 100 years old. The one thing they all had in common was that they breathed air. Our initial theory is that air is invented by the government to control life spans. If humans were able to live forever, we’d have a much larger population problem on our hands.” – doctor at the Science Haven Institute of Technology

Read More: People with Alzheimer’s are starting to float because they forgot about gravity

So the big question: what can we do as humans to combat air? If we stop breathing air, we die. If we continue breathing air, we also die. It’s truly a catch 22 and a lose-lose situation at the end of the day. If only we could find a way to breathe air and not breathe air at the same time…

In other news, Epstein didn’t kill himself.

*Woken News is a satirical news website and our articles are strictly for entertainment purposes. Explore our “About” page for more information.

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