Coronavirus Was Invented By Toilet Paper Companies To Get You To Buy More.

How does it feel to be wiping your ass with corruption?

You’ve heard them before. Conspiracists with claims ranging from ‘big pharma’ to the illuminati are the ones really in control of everything.

Improbable? Likely. Impossible? Maybe.

What if we told you that the toilet paper companies are the ones behind the Coronavirus spread?

Unlikely? Not at all.

Sources confirm that the ‘Diseases and Prevention’ department at the Charmin company (yes, you read that right) are the ones who orchestrated a pandemic.

But why toilet paper? What’s the correlation between that and a respiratory illness?

“..because people are fucking stupid, that’s why” said the former head of department whom we interviewed.

He says he left the company when he was instructed to partake in this project, a plan the company had been in talks for months – in secret.

“..they knew that in creating the virus, nobody would actually research any of the symptoms. Toilet paper was their golden ticket and stonks was their goal.”

Stonks they got, indeed. Stores all across the globe have now faced a shortage of toilet paper – all thanks to the evil masterminds at the toilet paper company. Which begs the question:

How does it feel to be wiping your ass with such corruption?

“Like Charmin-soft.” sources confirmed.

Heartless bastards.

*Woken News is a satirical news website and our articles are strictly for entertainment purposes. Explore our “About” page for more information.

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