Woman wins award for not telling literally every person she knows that she owns an Air Fryer

Just a quick heads up, vegans. You are being replaced by owners of Air Fryers. Earlier last week, Air Fryer owner Tanya Karp was at a party when someone mentioned they had just found a sweet new recipe for chicken tendies and they couldn’t wait to make them in their new Air Fryer. Instead of...

‘Laundering your money’ is now recommended due to COVID-19

How dirty is money? Very dirty. Each dollar has on average 6.9 billion germs on it according to the Science Institute of Science. Virus and Disease experts are now claiming that laundering your money may help in stopping the spread of COVID-19.Money laundering is defined as the illegal process of concealing the origins of money...

Congress has announced that the next round of stimulus will be a pizza party

Last April, most Americans received a whopping $1,200 check as the first form of stimulus. Now, Congress is talking it over and they believe they found something WAY better than a $1,200 check: a pizza party.The information was leaked by Twitter user @drunkenoprah this week: Read More: Confirmed: The Covid vaccine will NOT contain a...

Dr. Fauci says leaving cookies out for Santa is prohibited because it’s ‘indoor dining’

While many states issue mandatory lock downs, destroying small businesses by banning all indoor dining and with only a week away from Christmas, Dr. Fauci delivers more bad news stopping Santa from enjoying his favorite Christmas Eve snack. Read More: Millenials are killing the Doorbell Industry by texting ‘here’ Dr. Fauci spoke Friday morning during a...

The Zodiac Killer’s ‘340 Cipher’ code was actually just a ‘your mom’ joke

Well, it finally happened. The Zodiac Killer sent a puzzle-like code to a newspaper back in 1969 (nice) and some nerds finally cracked the code. Here’s what the absolute nonsense puzzle looked like: Read More: Confirmed: The Covid vaccine will NOT contain a microchip but will contain U2's new album It turns out the Zodiac...

Confirmed: The Covid vaccine will NOT contain a microchip but will contain U2’s new album

Contrary to popular belief, the covid vaccine will have the new U2 album inserted into your body instead of an all knowing location tracking microchip. Many are arguing that they would rather have a microchip capable of knowing your mood, eating habits and location as opposed to an invasive U2 album. In 2014 U2 released...

Governors are considering requiring special suits to be worn to combat COVID-19

For the last several months, governors and other states officials have been trying to find the best ways to flatten the curve of COVID-19 cases. Finally, they believe they found the solution: Read More: Man with multiple personality disorder sues state for not being allowed to use carpool lane Now to address the elephant in...

Entrepreneur launches new product: straws made from turtles

A biologist-turned-entrepreneur Jackson Fitzpatrick has turned the straw industry on its head with his new invention: straws made from turtles. Fitzpatrick said he thought of the idea after struggling to drink a Frappuccino with a paper straw from Starbucks. “The straw fell apart after two sips and was completely useless. It was a horrible experience....

Built Different: Deer simply refuses to die in wildfire

As the state wildfires rage on this local deer tells Woken News, "I'm just cut from a different cloth." Wildfires have been taking a toll on the wild life destroying trillions of acres of forest and vegetation in the area. Read More: Rocks Are Actually Soft and Squishy – They Just Tense Up When We Touch...

Cracker Barrel considering changing name to “Caucasian Barrel” to be more politically correct

It’s 2020 and being politically correct is more important for businesses than it ever has been. That’s why popular US food chain “Cracker Barrel” is considering changing it’s name to a more appropriate “Caucasian Barrel”.  “The term ‘cracker’ may be seen as a racial slur among some people, so we figure it’s the least we...